Song of the Day: "It Doesn't Matter" - Wyclef Jean & The Rock

To go with the Wrestling Post of the Week, I'm going to go with an obscure collaboration with R$B Artist Wyclef Jean and the People's Champion, The Rock. Back when The Rock was ride his popularity into mainstream popular, one of his many catchphrases was incorporated into a Jazzy Up tempo rhyme. So yeah... Enjoy

**Throws hands up and walks away**

Grappling with my Wrestling Addiction

Wrestling Hipster Joke! HAR HAR HAR!

Anyway, I watch Professional Wrestling. It's not something I usually bring up in casual conversation because It's not something people can respect as an form of genuine entertainment. I usually stick with the UFC stuff, people can respect the UFC as a bunch of really fit guys beat the shit out of each other. Wrestling on the other hand is fake and doesn't deserve the same level of respect. Well they do and this is the reason why.

I love Professional Wrestling. I grew up watching it at around 6. These tall hulking Goliath's of men with equally larger than life personalities fighting crazy colourful bad guy characters like the nWo or the Iron Sheik. It's all just crazy staged nonsense and I ate it up. Still Love it to this day, just in a different way. Thanks to the Internet there is a sub culture of wrestling of wrestling fans. They casually call themselves smarks or in old school wrestling terms... a smart mark. A mark is a person that believes in it still. I don't generally believe in the use of those terms any more, thanks to the internet, EVERYONE knows what going on. As far as I'm concerned the difference between a Mark and a Smark these days is a Mark is someone who'll watch it on Television whenever they feel like it and a Smark is someone that follows it religiously, knows the ins and outs of the business and then goes online to discuss it with other die hard fans. A Smark is more of a Super Fan, but more of a cynical Super Fan then just a regular Fanatic. Smarks don't take bullshit and will chant accordingly.



Now being one of those more cynical super fans I've followed wrestling news sites, read online interviews, participated in various online wrestling discussions on message boards, read wrestler autobiographies, watched countless behind the scenes documentaries and of course watched Pro Wrestling itself for the past 18 years.

I have one thing to say to those that want to become Professional Wrestlers.

Good Luck.

The Life of a Wrestler is fucking hard. It's really something that you have to just commit to entirely if you want to make it to the top. Wrestling is basically stunt fighting. It's like watching two guys come up with a ridiculous fight you might see in a bad movie. It's a form of physical theatre where these two athletes have to put on a fake fight without hurting the other guy. They're like physical actors that try to make it seem all real.


God I love the Internet, such a personal moment immortalised.

So you spend hours at a time figuring out safe ways to take a punch, a suplex, an arm dag, a snapmare, BASIC FUCKING MOVES. You are training you body to take impacts on what can only be described as bouncy yet hard and stable planks of cardboard (They call it canvas). You are taking these impacts for 15 - 20 minutes, you body is going to feel it. Hell the first thing they teach you in Wrestling School is How to fall... and what it feels like to do 200 Squats after a 5km Run.

The Training alone is ridiculous but once you've tuned you body to the point where you can safely kick your own ass in front of people. Then you move on to making a character for yourself. Make yourself stand out, you got to be able to put on a good match but you got to be charismatic. You need to connect to people, you need to play a character. A do gooder hero every-man, a joker, a hard nosed thug, or maybe you could be An Undead MMA Biker like the Undertaker...



A guy that has been buried alive 3 times now still wrestles on the odd occasion to this day. I am never going to forgot something like that entrance. HE LOOKED LIKE THE FUCKING DEVIL!

That is the Undertaker (Real Name: Mark Calloway), A truly talented Wrestler, adept with a great striking game (He's punches looked damn real most of the time) and a pretty exciting and agile move set for a big guy his size. 6'10 at around 300 pounds, dude was a supreme athlete. he still does daring crazy suicide dives to the outside of the ring and lifting guys upside and driving them head first into the ground. This man was a hero to so many growing up and the stuff of nightmares to those kids as well.

So back to the topic at hand, Once you've become a supreme human specimen capable of enduring ungodly amounts of pain and have sufficiently practised in the art of staged stunt fighting whilst also coming up with a way to exude a particular level of charisma to get people to care about you. Then and maybe then with hard enough work you'll make it into a Wrestling Promotion.

At the start all your doing to getting your ass kicked by the older more established wrestlers and you're helping put up then take down the ring at every event. As a Wrestler you won't be covered under any Health Insure. They just won't insure a Wrestler, they get injured... ALL THE TIME.

Not only do they not get medically insured but then there is constant travel schedule which would drive a normal person insane. Not only are they on planes, not sleeping well, working out and then kicking their own asses for work. Professional Wrestlers are away from their family for more than half the year. They're just never there. It's sad, if one of your parents worked in the WWE or TNA or even ROH you'd just never see them.

Why would anyone do this? Because they love the business. They love entertaining people. They love to put a smile on your face. Wrestlers are Heroes to many and to me they'll always have my respect.

Wrestlers give up so much of their time and lives for the audience. The least we could do is throw a little compassion and respect their way. If you're not doing anything for the next hour and a half, check out the Best Wrestling Documentary in the business.

That's so Hot?

Now I'm a fan of Paris Hilton. Now she's not a good singer, actress, model, television personality, whatever you want to call it. But this chick that was born into a life where she doesn't even need to try. SHE'S AN HEIRESS TO A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY! She should bother. But she dud and she managed to get famous enough that she can actually live off her own money. I my eyes she's a god damn hero ad a genius business woman. She sold herself as a brand and now she makes money through her clothing line, perfume and other ridiculous corporate trade-mark they've come up with using her image. If I was born into that kind of money, Would I even bother trying anything with life? No... I'd probably waste my father's money and find ways I could use my cash to manufacture a Bat-Suit, "Work? What's Work? Oh where I exert physical and/or mental effort in exchange for money. Why would I do that? I'm already I'm ready rich, Bitch!" That is what I would say to you. Guaranteed I'd probably be an entitled rich asshole. Screw being Humble.

Anyway, Back to Paris Hilton, She's a DJ now and boy is she bad it. I'm not master mixer myself but dear lord if I had that bitch's money and I could buy all the fucking equipment I'd probably do something a lot better than this hot garbage.



Good God Ms Hilton. I'm amazed that she got famous for sucking a dick in night vision. We live in an amazing time indeed.

Alright, we've open a talking point here though. What exactly makes a Good DJ? That is a damn good question. I dunno, someone would can competently mix songs and samples together to create a new and different musical experience. I mean I don't actually know if DJ's even do that anymore. I don't exactly know what to think of a Professional DJ. I can see how some DJ's got famous, Like Daft Punk and Greats like Grandmaster Flash, but the term today seems bastardised.

Thanks to the digital age and internet software like Garage Band, just about anyone can mix music if they put some time into it.

Oh well... I wonder how long she'll keep at mixing. I give it 2 months.

Song of the Day: "Give me the Night" - George Benson

Good God is this song funky as all hell. I was recently down at a local waterhole and this old man was DJ'ing and he was playing nothing but old hits. When this tune came on everyone lost their damn minds and got down. EVERYONE, even the bouncers were bopping along to this heavenly groove. I don't get to listen to much classic funk these days but I'm sure I'm missing out on something special when they have throw away songs like this.

It actually makes me sad that Funk isn't as prominent as it once was, I guess it was a causality of war when everyone suddenly decided that Disco wasn't cool any more.

Pyromania is running Wild

It's Coming, The long awaited TF2 Meet the Pyro Short.

TF2 Official Blog

I don't know what else they're going to release with this update. No Doubt there are going to be A LOT of new weapons and hats. Thanks to the Steam Workshop we're going to get a huge influx of community made weapons, now it's the weird testing period before all the really OP weapons get nerfed. I still remember when the Ambassador Spy Gun came in and did 126 damage as a Headshot... For a Spy basically making them walking fucking death! It was also ridiculous at the time because the Spy vs. Sniper Update came in and they just gave the Sniper a Backstab blocker but they basically just gave the Spy a secondary backstab with the headshot crit.

if you could aim worth a damn. One in the Head and then just any body shot would've taken out medics from a distance. It basically took 2 - 3 quick shots to kill pretty much any other class that wasn't a Heavy. They dropped it to 120 damage for headshots but even still that was still too much.

Now it's does a petty 102 damage, not nearly as mighty as it once was. Instead they gave us something far worse than the Ambassador. The Enforcer, a Spy Gun that was 20% with the only downside is a half second delay on cloaking watch effects. Which is stupid when you're basically holding a fucking hand cannon.

Yhhhh.... Anyway, It's been a common folk tale around the TF2 internet sub-community that we suspect that the Pyro is actually a girl.



Some "proof" of this claim is the suspicious Purple Purse that is seen in the 2Fort Locker room over the Pyro's suit. Which is still a little speculative because that purple teletubby had a purse... They just played it off that he was gay.



There is also the claim that the Pyro could be the Scouts Mother. The only things really holding this argument up is during the Meet the Spy video Scouts mother is holding a similar purse to that's Pyro's 2Fort purse and that ALL the classes are featured in every Meet video and surprisingly the Pyro was never given any screen time during the Meet the Spy video. Plus the idea of two complete opposite classes like the Pyro and the Spy having a secret relationship seems like something Valve would plan.



Also... The Pyro is the only class with a very Lady like Hat



I guess we'll find out Soon enough, the new Doomsday map is awesome and I'm greatly looking forward to these new Pyro weapons ad achievements.

To round out this post, I remind you all of Last Year's Saxxy Replay Winner. The Meet the Pyro short has a lot to live up to, especially when this effort was made just using the in game replay system.

Song of the Day: "Wake Up" - Eskimo Joe

Continuing the trend of Australian music from a by gone era I present a track from the fan favourite album of Girl by Eskimo Joe and the track "Wake Up", I choose this song because of the original and quirky music video. Its a simple idea but it works oh so well. I also really like this song, its catchy and just a nice song about waking up to your beautiful girlfriend seems like a lovely way to start a Monday.

If you're lucky enough to be sharing your life with someone at the moment, be sure to give them a hug from me. Make sure that hug is long, creepy and sufficiently awkward. If possible maintain a constant erection for the duration of the hug.

God I'm Lonely...

Dolan is a Meme? Really? REALLY?

(More of these "comics" here)

Behold... Look what the internet has done to a beloved Disney Character property....



I don't fucking understand you sometimes internet. Why do certain ideas get popular out of nowhere and in such idiotic ways? Why do you do this to yourself internet? Why do you create memes? To further perverse people in more de-generatively idiotic ways? I hate the Dolan meme, I find it stupid... But apparently Millions of other people love it, including many of whom I wonder consider close friends. (Sigh)

The Meme is so popular it's even producing completely warped perceptions of Disney characters in real life. Look at this impressive Donald Duck dogma parody movie trailer from Iceland.



These Dolan comics are the Meme of the moment at the time being. Everyone seems to be all over these politically incorrect sex pervert bastardisation of a legendary Disney character. The internet is ruining Donald Duck and the general Duck tales saga to along with it. Why would you do this internet? Ducktales was a damn good show and the game wasn't half bad either. The Game also has the sweetest video game level music of all time in the "Moon Theme"



There isn't really a point to this post, I just wanted an excuse to post the Moon Theme.

I think it's that Awesome...

Plus Dolan comics are fucking stupid.

Song of the Day: "Cigarettes Will Kill You" - Ben Lee

Another Australian Musician, this time a throwback to the 90s.

This song was released way back in 1998, some 14 years ago back when Ben Lee was 18. He is a teenager making crazy insightful and uplifting music like this. I didn't know shit about anything at 18 and he's making music about how people will willing continue to go to a bad relationship when they know it's bad for them but they continue to do it anyway. The same parallel that people know Cigarettes are bad for them but smoke them anyway.

The above video is the Australian version of the single and the one below is the one they ran in the United States and internationally. Now I don't exactly get why his Australian Street performance piece had to be replaced with a lofty story about a girl being shot on suspicion... You draw your own conclusions there.

All I know is I had this song stuck in my head for the longest time and sometimes really do wish that could say that everyone was wrong.

Adventure Time Gotcha

This is episode 12 in Season 4 of the hit animated show Adventure Time entitled "Gotcha". This is one of the more popular shows along with the Regular Show that has not only loved by children of all ages but even many adults who are children at heart.

Now being a slacker in his early twenties you would easily guess that this is one of my favourite things on television at the moment. A show about a (now) 14 year old boy who has amazing mystical adventures with his magic dog Jake in a far away Candy Kingdom run but a pretty and smart Bubblegum Princess. It's all here with amazing and unique characters, ridiculous and outrageous scenarios and a wonderful set of life lessons weaved into the plot. You might see one reinforced about inner beauty if you were lucky enough to watch it before it was taken down on copyright.

Yes, the online community loves this show that much that some considerate people over in America are kind enough to record the show and upload it onto sites like YouTube so people hooked on the show can receive their weekly dose of Adventuring. God Bless you people for feeding my weird addiction to a Children's show.

A Lumpy Space Princess episode, arguably the most popular of the Supporting characters. Voiced by series creator Pendleton Ward his impersonation of a spoilt teen youth is hilarious. You'd have to wonder what kind of person can make money from drawing cartoons and voicing absurd characters with a mock valley girl accent?

This man right here... The one with the magnificent Beard.



Be sure to catch Adventure Time weeknights on Cartoon Network. Or be like me and scower the internet for uploads of the latest episodes.

Also Go Buy the DVDs, shows like this deserve to be supported

"Lead Breakfast" - Pogo

Today's song of the day comes from Internet remix magician Pogo (aaka Nick Bertke) who late last year was incarcerated in a US jail for 3 weeks because of a Visa error on the part of his promotional company.

Read More about it Here

While that is all behind him now, it's a real shame that he will not be allowed entry back into the United States for 10 years. Although the reason for the incarceration was due to him not having a working visa during his visit it seems the blame falls primarily on the concert promoters that booked him to go over there.

So now Nick is back home in Perth remixing up a storm by piecing together this melodic masterpiece entitled "Lead Breakfast" a smooth mix using samples from the movie Pulp Fiction. (Although I don't know where the Soldiers marching loop is form).

Weekly Round Up: Once you except Reality... it's Liberating

(Original Artwork: Opheliact

The Weekly Video Round Up is Back upon you cretins... Waste your day away watching what I deem to be the best from the Internet. We'll have to play a little bit of catch up for the past missing month.

Let's start off with something Deep:

Reality is Liberating:



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BATMAN: The Dark Knight Rises final Trailer



Well if you aren't excited for Chris Nolan's third instalment in the Dark Knight Batman franchise then you're clearly in the wrong place. Although I may argue that this trailer may reveal a little too much for my liking it won't stop the fact that I will probably see this movie on the Midnight Screening it first comes out.

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Julian Smith Made something new too:



He amuses me, that and he makes some damn catchy music.

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Old Spice - Jungle Wilderness



Old Spice has revisited an old commercial they ran on the internet from awhile back but this time added a commercial campaign to go along with it now. "The Scent of Courage" is the current zinger slogan, the last one was "I believe in my Smelf". I particularly liked that campaign.

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Monsters Inc 2: The Teaser



So it seems Monsters Inc 2 is going to be a prequel. I guess that makes sense considering the ending of Monsters Inc did kind of solve most of their problems. I would've hated to see something bad happen to their society built around making children laugh... It probably would've been really dark.

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Where the Hell is Matt 2012



This Internet Celebrity is back at it rehashing what made him special in the first place. Being white and awkward and revelling in your own nerdiness through dance.

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Behind the Scenes of a McDOnald's Photo Shoot



Well we all knew this to begin with... I mean seriously all those Big Macs you see on Television are made of Roof tiles and crate paper.

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Youtuhe Haiku Compilations





I don't exactly see why they're Haiku's, they aren't exactly in the 5,7,5 syllable poem outline but these are great and typical moments available all over the internet. Think of it as a channel randomiser for the internet.

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Fatherly Wisdom



Sage Advice given to us from the many great father figures on Television... A late Happy Father's Day to all.

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Chuck Norris the Movie



A few years late but still just as hilariously awesome, Chick Norris, The Movie.

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You are not Special



A disturbing and brutally honest graduation farewell speech given by this passionate and somewhat jaded educator. A part of me wishes that I was given a simular speech upon my completion of High School to better prepare me for the real world. But then again High school could only do so much.

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Floating Drive Thru Cup



Because magic parlour tricks on unsuspecting Drive Thru cashiers is somewhat mysteriously amusing. The response that one manager gives as he calls the magicaian a demon then calmly shuts the window had me in stitches.

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Tim Burton Filmography by Martin Woutisseth

Tim Burton - a filmography from Martin Woutisseth on Vimeo.

Just a nice recap of Tim Burton's Hits and Misses. I completely forgot that he did the Michael Keaton Batman... I also forgot he did Big Fish.

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Joel McHale Prometheus David Parody



No words needed, Joel McHale is hilarious... Watch the Soup.

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Skateboarder hit by Truck



All I can say is... OWNED. I haven't said that in a while but the sheer physical reaction I felt when his guy collided into a truck was remarkable. I actually yelled in pain at my computer... That's Rare.

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Darth L Jackson



James Earl Jones replaced with Samuel L Jackson? Well it isn't exactly the worst thing that could happen to the franchise, hell it wouldn't even be the worst thing changed about Darth Vader at this point in time.

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Aperture Lab Rat



Another great short film about Valve's wonderful Portal universe.

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Pass me a Beer



Ever since those guys from NeverHide did those trick Sunglass throws for Rayban these novelty trick shot videos have been a staple of the internet. With quite possibly the manliest manifestation of the film trend, we now have beer can trick shots.

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Shake Weight Prank



No... You have a dirty mind. But seriously, I'm surprised it took this long for this video to be made. We all came to this conclusion upon learning about the Shake weight.

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Dick Figures Movie Kickstarter Project



Dick Figure's Kickstarter

Give them your damn Money, NOW

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Diddy Kong Country



We all liked Playing as Diddy Kong regardless... He came with a Jetpack and did Cartwheels.

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Deus Ex Retrospective - Rageaholic



The Rageaholic Razorfist, a brash word smith takes a look back on one of the most influential game titles of all time. Deus Ex, although I have yet to play Invisible War I guess I could give it some slack when weighting in Razorfist's arguments are mediocrity in gaming.

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Gary Oldman Actors against acting Athletes



Well he does have a point, there aren't that many great athletes turned actors... Look at Shaq's movie Kazaam. DON'T EVEN TRY TO BRING UP SPACE JAM!

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Pre- Mortem One Liners



To round out this Weekly, Here is the best Super cut of all those bad ass lines in cinema just as someone gets killed. A great collection and nice trip down memory lane... back when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a legitimate A List movie star.

Mash Up of the Week "99 Problem Child"

The smooth soulful glory that is Jimi Hendrix's Legendary tune "Voodoo Child" mixed with Jay-Z baller anthem "99 Problems". Combiming two African American titans of two different genres from two different eras together, it's like some kind of alchemy.

You should be watching this: Breaking Bad

BREAKING BAD


(Artwork by Paul Flanders)

July 15th begins the fifth and final season of one of the best television shows of the past few decades. Anyone that knows about Good television knows about this show. It has unmatched critical acclaim and a mountain of awards.



This is a recap of Breaking Bad Seasons 1 - 4 in 8 minutes. "This video is fucking art, yo". But seriously awesome internet video aside, this show is fucking amazing.

Breaking Bad is a show about a regular guy that looks like Hal from Malcom in the Middle who is a complete chemistry genius but somehow ended up in a low paying desk job as a high school chemistry teacher. I'm half reminded of an old maths teacher at my High School. The man was a complete genius, like rocket scientist level genius. We didn't give him any damn respect, we were a bunch of rowdy teenage assholes that didn't care that our Maths teacher could probably build some kind of Math.... Robot of some kind, I don't know what the Super Maths Guy Breaking Bad equivalent. All I know is that the guy had a Black Belt in Math, I think they call it Like some kind of Super Masters Degree. Like 7 or whatever Years in University getting the highest education in Mathematics degree possible. Anyway we had no idea what that dude was doing on the side, there is no fucking way you can be that damn smart and just teaching a bunch of ingrate kids a skill that they won't really need for most everyday issues. Besides I guess financial management and solving suduko puzzles.

That is why Breaking Bad works, it's just an everyday unsuspecting guy that manages to lead a double life as a Meth Cook. This show makes me want to go re-memorise the periodic table. Filled with awesome characters... well besides the cripple son that only seems to just sit around and eat breakfast. (Oh man could you imagine if the twist at the end of Season 5 is that his Son is a Meth head?)



Although I still wonder if Bryan Cranstan will ever go back doing Comedy after all the success he has found in the Drama genre, then I watch what they have collected on their gag reel and I see that winning 3 Emmys for Best Television Actor doesn't mean you just lose your comedy quirks.



I could honestly go on and on about Breaking Bad so my simplified review is.

Breaking Bad: It's as Good as Meth

Being an Asshole during a Zombie Apocalypse

Because of that dude all hopped up on Bath Salts I was starting to think a Zombie Apocalypse was actually on the verge of happening.



But seriously, I'm starting to think the Zombie Apocalypse is a pretty awesome way for the world to end. We already have a patient zero and all it took was Bath Salts or PCP or whatever.

To my favourite engineer, Joel; Thank you for opening my eyes to going out in the most awesomely douche way possible.

The How to Guide should you find yourself in a zombie apocalypse


Pictured: Geniuses


BEING AN ASSHOLE DURING A ZOMBIE APOCALPSE

STEP ONE: Raid a Sports Store IMMEDIATELY. Put on some light body armour, something that will protect you from knives, punches and bites.

Remember to put on a hard NFL style headgear.

STEP TWO: Head to the gardening stores and find some finger stredders, Freddy Krueger gardening gloves. (Those totally exist). If not, those mma gloves will do, you'll want to protect your hands regardless but still maintain mobility. .

STEP THREE: Take some Cocaine... or the drink equivalent... 20 Red Bulls.

STEP FOUR: GET BITTEN ON PURPOSE

Become supreme asshole zombie.

BECOME A BOSS FIGHT! A COKED UP ZOMBIE WEARING FUCKING ARMOUR! YOU'RE SCREWED, YOU'RE A ZOMBIE NOW BITCH!

Yep, Checkmate Bitch, I've now become a BOSS FIGHT IN YOUR LIFE! You'll lose that Boss fight if you're unprepared. I have 20 red bulls, some shin-pads and a batman mask right here.

If I even see one zombie I'm heading straight to the mall then I'll go get biten on purpose at night then go around eating people like some kind of midnight zombie nightmare.

I'll be the Batman of Zombies...

Your move

**Walks away backwards with hands out stretched**

Random Comedian Spotlight

Felt like remembering a famous comedian, Greg Geraldo. Whose routine get remixed many years ago. He died last year. This routine was recorded in '04. These were the world problems back then, well the American world problems and the war against drugs, terrorism and obesity. You might've seen his specials on the Roast where he would destroy some roasters of the night. God Bless those Celebrities willing to throw themselves a national roast. Hell the idea of a Roast is a lost family art in my eyes. When was the last Family Roast you went to? Did you even know that's a thing? Just a night where everyone are complete assholes to each other.

Ummmmmm in other comedian news... Tom Green is Insane. He's back on the Road doing Stand Up. I wonder if his act has changed?



Remember that Tom Green can actually rap though. He is a pretty damn good rapper.



And to end out Comedian Spotlight, I thought I'd think a little closer to home in Australia and the show Talkin' bout your generation and that I would like to remind everyone that this guy is representing the people born in between the years of 1985 to 1994 or better known as "Generation Y". Josh Thomas... This act keeps him on Television. I really wonder who else they could get from his generation that wasn't just a hot chick or some douche from home and away? Well they're probably nice people, I kinda act like an asshole around them.

GO THE FAT GUY!

SPORTS GUY OF THE WEEK: ROY NELSON

Now UFC is probably the douchiest sport to follow. Its a sport cherished by the kind of people that only go the gym to work out their upperbody and take self defence classes for the sole purpose of going out to bars and starting fights. Elite fighters trained in the art of destroying and maiming their opponents in a variety of ways. Men who turn themselves into human weapons and arm themselves with the knowledge of various martial arts. Full of High calibre human specimens that have spent countless hours honing their skills in the art of combat. They all look like modern gladiators and then you have guys that look like Roy Nelson.



Seriously I'm going to get MMA Douchie now, just a warning. But this is a sport and they have characters that people you can look at and say. "I like that guy, he seems cool." And you know what, Roy Nelson seems like a pretty cool person.

Roy Nelson is an inspiration. He is like a modern day Rocky. If he ever gets a movie made about him. I want Danny McBride to play this fat superhuman man. Hell if he's playing Kenny Powers then he can pull off an MMA fat Rocky. (Sidenote: If you haven't watched East Bound and Down, It's hilarious in your face Comedy. It is one of the most American, Loud Mouth, "USA! USA! USA!" shows based around a guy that use to be amazing athlete and threw his career away on because of his steroids and Coke)

He's the fat guy in a sport where everyone else like they just fight crime in their local neighbourhoods. Hell that could be the premise of the entire movie if they wanted to make it a comedy. Roy Nelson fights crime as a hobby in Vegas where he lives. He's like Batman... except without the Billions of Dollars... and he's Fat. He'd be Fatman (No that's too stupid).

He could be a live Action Kung Fu Panda? (No that's even stupider.)

A modern day MMA Rocky?



That movie will probably never get made but please universe. If Comedian Danny McBride ever wanted to do a ridiculous UFC Kung Fu Fighter who looks like just a regular guy that you probably see down at some local dinner enjoying a fucking hamburger.



Who do you think won this match-up? The Fat Guy or the Beefy Russian Dude?

This guy gets announced as a Kung Fu Master. He studied Kung Fu for 15 Years... And has a Black Belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. He won his last fight in 52 Seconds after he threw a well timed sweet overhand haymaker punch. Seriously that punch was like a piece of moving art captured on film. He has a Rocky like way of absorbing punishment, He's taken some ridiculous hits that would've otherwised killed a regular man. He has an Iron Chin, Roy Nelson has never been KO'd in the UFC which if you realise that is amazing considering he's had some fucking brutal matches in the UFC. If you realise that if he dropped the fat on his body and goes into a more natural weight cless that he would probably clean house in that division.

But the best part is, He's literally punching above his weight. You see all these finely tuned atheletes and just genetic freaks of nature because he's in the Heavyweight Division. Here is a nice Highlight video of the guy's handy work. Although a nice highlight reel, it honestly feels like video more suitable for a memorial service.

Stand-Up Comedy Tips and Advice

Now I'm not professional comedian in any sense of the word. I Like to write jokes and have been to a few open mic nights. At my young age my material is a but niche but I'm still working on my act. Actually I'm well behind at my age, Eddie Murphy was off filming Delirious and RAW when he was my damn age, but then again Eddie Murphy was and probably still is a stand up wizard. My first time up was terrifying, but I didn't go in totally unprepared. Here's some tips for people that I've picked up reading various books from comedians, listening to podcasts, watching interviews with famous comics and just studying the art of Comedy. This isn't really a how to guide, this is all I've learnt so far.

But first here is some footage of now famous comedian doing some early stand up.


This is Seth Rogen at 14 preforming... That's Fucking Insane, He's earned my respect for getting to where he is. He's been working at his craft for some time now and look at him, he's starred in and written multiple movies. He's a successful comic and here he is at 14. That's truly amazing.

STAND UP TIPS
1) Embrace the Fear
Doing Stand Up is a fucking scary experience. they say cursing is the sign of a bad writer... Well Fuck those people, Live Stand Up is FUCKING SCARY. There is no way around the fact that you; a single person will be up on a stage with a spotlight on you holding a live mic and your job is to try and get people to like you. Hell Laughing is a bonus as far as I'm concerned. Just make it seem like you didn't waste their time... or at least try to look like you didn't mean to waste their time on purpose.

Just bite the bullet. Everybody still gets scared before they go on stage. You don't think someone like Louis CK doesn't get a little nervous before he goes out and preforms in front of THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE? They've just gotten use to the stress and fear and turn that nervous energy and redirect it into their act. It takes a lot of the next tip to get over your initial fears.

2) You're going to suck at first but It'll take Practise
Your first few times up on stage you will probably just brain freeze and blurt out your jokes nervously without any comedic delivery or timing what so ever. You may bomb at the start of your journey into comedy. Hell there are comedians out there that say that it took them 20 shows until they got their first laugh. But they got use to fear, they get looser on stage, more confident in themselves, their material and their act as a whole. When people watch an unconfident and nervous comedian on stage they just feel sorry for the comedian. You just got to believe in yourself (as cliché as that sounds) and keep practising. Be confident... or fake it, whatever. Of course leading into the next "tip".

3) Work on your act
You will need to invest a lot of time into comedy if you want to be good at it. Which of course still means practise. Practise everywhere, stand in a mirror and say jokes out loud if you have time. Run your material by your friends, see if they laugh at the jokes and if you can do open mics. Remember if you're preforming in a comedy club, people have come out to have a good time and are there to laugh, they're on your side. Just keep working on your act. It helps to record your own set so you can listen back on yourself and you can listen in on your mistakes and eliminate the fat from your act. I'm sure you have a voice record app on you damn phone, use it for once.

But you're going to need material first, or something to talk about. Sure you may already have material but that doesn't mean it can't be improved upon. So just think of jokes or funny aspects of life. If you don't think it's funny, it's not funny and forget about it. But if you think there is something funny in the thought and that if you just looked at it in a weird enough perspective, then think about it you could get something. Just work on it, if there is a joke there, Find it. Finding those jokes are all the more rewarding.

Then of course there is "Stealing", the idea of stealing a bit or someone gag is a common misdemeanour committed by pretty much every comic at one stage or another in their career. But of course there will be crossover jokes or waves of thought shared by people, you just going to have to work on those thoughts and these jokes and them your own. But stealing jokes is for assholes... If you can get away with it, good for you. I'll see you in Hell, I've done bad stuff too.

4) Write shit down
When you have your material, Write it the fuck down. Anywhere, your phone, your hand, preferably in a notebook or some kind of notebook application you have on you. You won't remember those jokes and now that you have it written down, you improve on it when you look upon it later. Make sure you work on jokes and the best way to do that is to write it down and think of ways you could improve upon it or how you could make it work better for you and your act.

5) Work a Style or a Character and diversify your act if need be.
Now that you have some material or at least some assemblence of an act, you're going to think about how you present it. Think about how you'll deliver your punchline, what do you think the funniest way to tell this joke is. Try it other ways, use stranger tangents to get to your punchline. If you don't feel confident or comfortable, Create a Character. An On stage persona, Works for the pros. Look at Stephen Colbert, the best comic character actor on television. The real Stephen Colbert isn't the loud mouth fast thinking American satirist all the time. It's a character, sometimes its just easier to deliver jokes under the guise of persona.

You're having a one side conversation with yourself in front of people. If you don't feel comfortable with that confident find a different version of you that is and make sure he's the one talking. Hell it isn't just a character you can use, you have talents, you can use those too. Can you do impressions, write a joke around using it, if you think you can get a laugh out of using it, go for it. Make sure you get a feel for the audience before you just let loose with impressions, that's a good way to piss off a whole bunch of people if you aren't careful. But of course if being a racist asshole is part of your on stage character then by all means, your just going to need to back up some of the things you say up there. Some People are crazy and can get easily offended... So you just never know.

It doesn't just have to be accents, voices or impersonations. It could be anything, anything that you think you could get a laugh with.


Carrot Top uses Props, you can smirk at a prop comedian all you like but if you get good at this like Carrot you can also have yourself a cult following and a Vegas Showroom gig. He was even in some freaking movies at one point, he got that good with his Comedy that he was offered movie roles.


David O'Doherty is an internationally acclaimed comedian, his style of comedy incorporates his skills as a song writer and musician. His musical low energy delivery has made him a rather loved Comedian all over the world.


Then there is a comedic legend like Andre 'Dice' Clay who not only created this supreme Dice character of just a loud mouth blow hard asshole character that was famous for his dirty poems and limericks. He preformed to stadiums of people dying to hear him and his dirty poems. That's amazing if you ask me.

Just shows you what happens when you can make a character and build an act around your skills.

6) Don't Just Stand there... MOVE
Be exciting, move. Don't just stand there talking. Act out your jokes if you can, pace around rather than standing still. Your audience will follow you which will make your act more interesting, in fact you can stop pacing and face the audience to deliver the punchline, Don't be boring! You can have some of the best material in the World but if you're boring to watch then people will stop paying attention. Be expressive use your face and body language to help accentuate your punchlines.

Just move around, standing still is like death. Being animated can make jokes funnier. If you joke relies on certain emotional reaction, make it with your face and body language. Pulling faces is funny when you're talking about various things like sex, embarrassing scenarios or just everyday occurrences. Heck if your joke starts with you walking down the street, it doesn't hurt to phantom mime walking, shows you're confident and loose on stage.

7) If You don't think that'll Work, Save it
If a joke doesn't work on stage save it for another medium. Don't just throw gems away, write it down and turn your idea in a video skit if need be. It helps to show promoters and would be talent scouts that you are a versatile act and you can do more than just stand up in front of people and tell jokes. Hell if need be you could always just throw the joke away on Twitter or a blog or a facebook status update. Just make sure you've saved it away in case you come up with a better way to either incorporate it into your act or be able to use it in another medium.

8) Don't take shit from Hecklers
Being Heckled is awful, I have yet to be heckled yet but from what I've been told those people are morons. Coming in to a Comedy show just to interrupt and talk during your act is just plain rude and should not be tolerated. What kind of person would just take that away from a performer? They'd have to be a pretty insecure person to make it all about themselves during a comedy act. Its okay to abuse those people if you're clever enough to turn it into a joke or a make a verbal barb back at them then by all means do so, it just shows you're in control and you aren't there to be stepped on.

Really its up to you how you handle Hecklers, but it shouldn't just be tolerated.



9) Keep Practising
You won't become a megastar over night and you won't be discovered immediately, Comedy takes a ton of work and if you want to be successful at it you're going to need to practise. Write as much material as you can, get up on stage as often as you can and be sure to perfect your act. Get comfortable and stage and develop a stage presence. Be able to read an audience and tell whether or not it's appropriate to tell a rape joke or two, leave room open in your act to riff and let that creative side of you brain just run loose in the moment.

Good Luck to you fellow Comedy Traveller, hopefully I'll see you in a dingy basement someday complimenting you on your set.